Recently, I watched a documentary on YouTube by THIS IS ME TV featuring WHATUPRG (pronounced What-up-RG). For those of you who don’t know he is a recent artist signed to the 116 Clique at Reach Records. He spoke about how his dad missed out on part of his life because his dad was deported. I dealt with the same issues missing my dad due to him being deported. I’ve shed many tears ever since.
Several years ago, I wrote a poem called Eyes Begin to Tear Up. All my life, I’ve heard it said that “real men” don’t cry, but, I see the reason why we don’t have real men—They bottle it up inside and never learn how to release their pain. I was in so much pain in regards to my family being separated due to my dad’s deportation, and to be honest, not a day goes by that I don’t wish we were still together. Thankfully, I have been able to see them these past few years, but it’s still not the same; I can go to them, but they can’t come to me. I hope for the day that this will no longer be an issue.
I was fourteen years old when my dad was arrested and deported. Deporting my dad didn’t solve an issue; it created several more: His deportation caused my family’s separation. I was left fatherless. My sister was left fatherless. I was so broken inside my heart that I didn’t know what to do, but cry. When I was young, I used to think I was the only one suffering from being separated from my family. Now I know I am not the only one. I am an adult now, twenty-eight years old, but there is a fourteen-year-old child still crying inside me, desiring to see his mom and dad. It has not only affected me, but my entire family suffered through a downward spiral because of this. My younger sister was in pain, my younger brothers missed out on quality education, and our family core was broken.
I remember a defining moment during my dad’s arrest. I wore a tough man pretense because I was the eldest of my brothers. One night, my brothers, my mom and I were headed to bed. We were sleeping on the floor of our living room apartment, and I was facing towards the window, away from my mom. I finally reached the point where I couldn’t hold in my tears any longer, and I let a couple out. As soon as my mom saw me, she said, “Tu tambien, mijo?” (“You too, son?”) As soon as she asked me that, I let my tears stream. We literally cried ourselves to sleep that night. There was a fear of the unknown, wondering what would happen if my dad were to be deported.
Why am I am speaking about tears? Not many people know this, but I truly believe that letting out emotional tears can bring healing to our physical, emotional, and spiritual self. I share part of my story because it has been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me, personally. Tears have been my food, day and night. The night I surrendered my heart to the Lord in August 2008, I gave it to Him in tears. The next day I felt light and burden free. Something happened inside of my heart that brought change to my life.
Honestly, you don’t have to pretend to be “strong.” You will cause more damage than good. I believe tears held back build bitterness and pride. Find someone that can mentor you through your situation. I have heard it from both, men and women, that they don’t like to cry. Truthfully, if you want to feel free, let yourself cry. I truly believe crying before the Lord is an offering to Him. I am convinced that He stores our tears in a bottle. Mine is a bottle made of sapphire.
“I walked the pain, I felt the trouble, constant strain, I know the struggle, daddy deported at fourteen, being kicked out at fifteen, looking for a fam to fit in, is that what life meant for me? The struggle of an immigrant, I’m hard-pressed, a great mess, I’m determined to be relentless, I will boast about my weakness for my fam to see the difference.”
Psalm 56:8 New Living Translation (NLT)
8 You keep track of all my sorrows.[a]
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
This YouTube link is a song I wrote in 2011 for my mom and dad.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UebIiRL0w0M
“Eyes Begin to Tear Up…”
You see Your child being highly afflicted!
Listen, I know you hear all the prayers he has lifted,
However, little by little, to his adversaries, he is being distributed,
Physically and spiritually he begins to grow weary,
Look on him and deliver him from his adversary,
This one thing he asks, “cover me not with a facial mask but with your presence that will last”,
His eyes begin to tear up as the thought of the impossible comes about,
The clouds gather dark, and the world soon blacks out,
The waves of his life rage in a manner so drastic,
I see him, where can he go when his movement is forcefully limited?
It sometimes kills him inside having to take this ride,
Yet, there are many reasons he remains alive,
His eyes are kept looking forward but continue to stumble side to side,
He wonders, when will he see them by whom he was conceived?
A cry of his heart is a chance to have a quick glance, at least
Year after year he cries a loud cry, his eyes have become nearly dry,
Many rivers stream down beneath his feet,
They flow to the seas where they have become very deep,
Tear after tear has been sowed, what and when will he reap?
You’ve seen him and how he has gone through the fire,
You said, “I have always held on to you. I’ve seen you go through the fire,
And every tear you’ve cried, I’ve stored in a bottle made of sapphire.
I have made you into a man of endurance, love strength, and persistence.
Your tears to me they shine;
Thus, I will pour out my love on you so divine.
Come to me, you will find all you need as you seek me.
I hear your petitions and see when your eyes once again, go teary.”